SEVEN favourite albums (reviewed by my mum)

Statistically devastating

The generational divide when it comes to music isn’t something I’ve come across a great deal of research on, aside from numerous instances of turn that down! You call that music?! being shouted through my bedroom door as a teen. So, in the interest of science (and definitely not my own sadistic enjoyment), I subjected my mum to seven of my favourite albums in a blind listening test to get her candid opinions on each. She did not disappoint. Several long-held beliefs were challenged. Mostly mine.

In many ways, my mum was the perfect candidate for this experiment, as her personal musical preferences rarely extend beyond the ‘80s, with artists like The Beatles, The Beach Boys and Simon & Garfunkel among her regular rotation. The records were selected with variety in mind in a (misguided) attempt to potentially broaden her horizons, although I wasn’t actually expecting her to run out and buy copies of these albums anytime soon.

So, apologies in advance to anyone whose favourite album she tears to shreds, and an even bigger apology to my mum for forcing her to endure this low budget straitjacket-and-headphones-on psychological experiment.

Listener Profile

Subject ID: GLD/0001A/ (‘Mumsy’)

Age: I’m as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth

Occupation: Retired

Music taste: Pop rock/ folk/ classical/ Anything you can hum afterwards, really.

Most surprising favourite: Devin Townsend

Hottest take: David Bowie was a bit weird

Favourite drummer: Lars Ulrich, probably

Risk assessment: Low / monitor for tutting and heavy sighing

Experiment Details

Objective: Determine how much of a disappointment I am

Sample size: One mum

Control group: None, I only have the one

Methodology: Three songs were played from each album without revealing the artist, LP title or genre. Reactions were recorded in real time. No mums were harmed during testing.

Duration: Longer than either participant would have liked

Margin of error: Considerable

Ethics statement: Consent was obtained. Informed consent? Well, let’s not split hairs

Results are presented in the order the albums were played and transcribed from audio recordings made by the subject. Any emotional damage sustained by the researcher was entirely self-inflicted and he accepts full responsibility.

Test 1: Billy Woods - Aethiopes

Year: 2022

Genre: Abstract hip hop

Songs listened: ‘‘No Hard Feelings’’, ‘‘The Doldrums’’, ‘‘Heavy Water’’

Intro: We’ll start gentle. This record came out in 2022, and it’s a pretty miraculous, abstract effort. Don’t worry about trying to catch all of the lyrics - just give me your first impressions.

Reaction: Okay, well, I wouldn’t want to hear much more of that, thanks. What’s going on with his voice? He sounds like a strangled cat trying to recite a poem. Such peculiar lyrics too… a mouthful of glass… what on earth was that about? It’s not inspiring in the slightest. I like my music to sound like… something. It sounds like they’re just jamming or practicing and then some bloke starts talking over it, which doesn’t exactly help. How can you get into that noise? You can’t do anything to it. All of the songs sound exactly the same: monotone, no variety — genuinely painful. Really stretching the definition of ‘music’ here, aren’t you? I’d switch that off before it even started. Play me something nice.

GLD/0001A/ rating: 0/10

Test 2: Joanna Newsom - Ys

Year: 2006

Genre: Folk

Songs listened: ‘‘Emily’’, ‘‘Cosmia’’, ‘‘Only Skin’’

Intro: Well-respected but somewhat niche singer-songwriter coming up now. This is a very special album to me — tell me what you think.

Reaction: See, I liked this. I hear the emotion, both soothing and stirring — reminds me of Amy Winehouse a little bit. I like the vocal style… is she from the Deep South? It’s reminiscent of Paul Robeson too, in an understated way. I love the harp, really accentuates her voice. Could happily sit and listen to her, far better than that first lot of rubbish. Less enthused about the third song, the sweeping instrumental backing takes away from her voice whereas the others were quite minimal, but I could definitely listen to the others again!

GLD/0001A/ rating: 9/10

Test 3: Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92

Year: 1992

Genre: IDM

Songs listened: ‘‘Tha’’, ‘‘Green Calx’’, ‘‘Ptolemy’’

Intro: No lyrics to focus on with this one. Just let the atmosphere do the work and tell me how it makes you feel.

Reaction: Huh. Alright. It sounded like someone in a bathroom playing something vaguely resembling music down a pipe. The first one was just peculiar noises… I suppose if you were in the bath and you wanted to soundtrack that, it could work, but otherwise it felt much too ambient to be enjoyable. Protracted inactivity isn’t something I generally like in my music - it’s another one you can’t really do anything to… you can’t sing along, you definitely can’t dance to it… I’d just call it odd. I guess if you wanted to pretend you were floating through outer space it could scratch that itch. Second one sounded like the music they play in that sleep room with the colourful lights at a spa. Definitely better than the first one, if you really needed to relax I suppose. Third track was the best; it had a beat you could latch onto and it developed nicely as it went on — it felt like the first track but more evolved. Intelligent Dance Music? I don’t know about intelligent… maybe PDM: Pleasant Dance Music. Music for washing up. Not offensive. Not particularly exciting either.

GLD/0001A/ rating: 6/10

Test 4: Swans - Filth

Year: 1983

Genre: No Wave - industrial

Songs listened: ‘‘Big Strong Boss’’, ‘‘Power For Power’’, ‘‘Weakling’’

Intro: Here’s another relaxing one for you, from an influential band

Reaction: Someone needs to tune it in, it sounds like they’re stuck between two frequencies on a radio. Definitely wouldn’t want to listen to these people for very long, not soothing in the slightest. On top of that, the songs all sound the same: just a bunch of noise with someone shouting over the top. Is that all the album is? It’s like nails on a chalkboard, all sounds engineered to set your teeth on edge. If that’s the intention, what’s the point? Who’d choose to listen to that, apart from you? What a boring record. I thought music was supposed to lift you or inspire you. That’s just… nothing. I’d turn that off so quickly. If they’re considered an influential band I dread to think what their followers sound like. Goodness me. Still better than the first album you showed me, that one was ridiculous, but this is still just a mess.

GLD/0001A/ rating: 1/10

Test 5: Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation

Year: 1988

Genre: Noise rock

Songs listened: ‘‘Cross The Breeze’’, ‘‘Hey Joni’’, ‘‘Candle’’

Intro: This is a hugely influential record for its genre. Hoping it’ll be influential for a dramatic shift in your taste, though I’m not holding my breath.

Reaction: Yeah…. I thought this was going to be good when it first started. Not bad — they’ve got actual structure and feel like they’ve been written rather than someone just chucking a dictaphone into the street then picking it up an hour later. I can hear a bit of skill in these ones, definitely. The third song derailed it badly though; the rhythm coming in was really good at the beginning but it just devolved into odd sounds again. What’s their obsession with making the music sound as fuzzy as possible? What’s the point of that? It stops it from being rock music, in my book. You can’t rock to that. It should have movement — those songs have none. Can’t move to that. Could stand up and sit down really fast, maybe…

GLD/0001A/ rating: 5/10

Test 6: Deftones - White Pony

Year: 2000

Genre: Alternative metal

Songs listened: ‘‘Digital Bath’’, ‘‘Knife Prty’’, ‘‘Change (In The House of Flies)’’

Intro: This one’s a bit more on the heavy side, but is extremely acclaimed in its genre. Thoughts?

Reaction: See, again, when these started I thought they were going to be good, but then the singing came in. It sounds like every part of the music — vocals, guitars, drums— are all out of sync. I don’t like how any of them progress… is the sound of dripping water intentional here? I spent the whole time wishing they’d just get on with it and play the music. Reminds me of when I went to see Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention and it sounded like they were tuning and warming up the whole time and not actually, you know, performing (researcher’s note: this was my parents’ first date. For anyone else, I feel like this would be a killer way to start a relationship. Not for my parents, though). You just think, when’s this going to start? and it never does. How can you listen to this? The guitar’s okay, I can get behind that, but then the guy tries to sing, which he can’t, and then the whole thing just sounds like a noisy jumble with no cohesion.

GLD/0001A/ rating: 1/10

Test 7: Devourment - Conceived In Sewage

Year: 2013

Genre: Brutal death metal

Songs listened: ‘‘Fifty Ton War Machine’’, ‘‘Heaving Acid’’, ‘‘Carved Into Ecstasy’’

Intro: Okay, this is the last one. Don’t worry - I’ve taken pity on you with this.

Reaction: Hmm. I quite liked that.

GLD/0001A/ rating: 10/10

Conclusion: Well. At the very least we now have empirical evidence that me and mumsy listen to music for entirely different reasons.

The more I listened to her reactions, the more I realised she wasn’t dismissing albums out-of-hand because they were too unfamiliar or modern — consistent praise was directed at anything with clear melody, emotional immediacy or a sense of progression, but retracted whenever things became too opaque or prioritised atmospherics over communication. If it requires deciphering, it’s a big no-no.

It boils down to what we expect music to be. Much like artwork, intention does very little to bolster her opinion if the execution doesn’t offer an immediate hook or showcase virtuosity/ skill in a way that’s instantly evident. For mumsy, music is something to dance to, hum to, and find comfort in. Anything confusing, ugly or angular automatically forfeits its status as ‘music’.

That aside, some interesting patterns emerged: she gave a glowing endorsement of Joanna Newsom, found surprising merit in the lavatory-coded vibe of Aphex Twin, and somehow, against every conceivable prediction (and in complete disregard for the consistency of the results), saved her highest praise for Devourment. I suppose subjective taste remains a mystery in this case.

I don’t expect mumsy will be converted into a Swans fan anytime soon, but for an afternoon spent comparing notes across two generations’ musical tastes, I’d call the experiment a slight success — even if she put her head in her hands more times than I’d have hoped.

Perhaps the real generational bridge was the brutal death metal all along.